Marriage and Boundaries

If there were ever a relationship where boundaries could get confused, it is marriage, where by design husband and wife become one flesh”. Bound­aries foster separateness. Marriage has as one of its goals the giving up of separateness and becoming, instead of two, one. What a potential state of confusion, especially for someone who does not have clear boundaries to begin with! More marriages fail because of poor boundaries than for any other reason.

Is This Yours, Mine, or Ours?

No one would have a problem deciding who wears the dress and who wears the tie. It’s a little trickier to decide who balances the checkbook and who mows the lawn. But these duties can be worked out according to the spouses’ individual abilities and interests. Where boundaries can get confusing is in the elements of personhood—the elements of the soul that each person processes and can choose to share with someone else.

The problem arises when one trespasses on the other’s personhood, when one crosses a line and tries to control the feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, and values of the other. These things only each individual can control. To try to control these things is to violate someone’s boundaries, and ultimately, it will fail.

Feelings

One of the most important elements that promotes intimacy between two people is the ability of each to take responsibility for his or her own feelings. We do not communicate our feelings by saving, “I feel that you…” We communicate our feelings by saying, I feel sad, or hurt, or lonely, or scared, or…” Such vulnerability is the beginning of intimacy and caring
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Feelings are also a warning signal telling us that we need to do something. For example, if you are angry at someone for something she did, it is your responsibility to go to her and tell her you are angry and why. If you think that your anger is her problem and that he or she needs to fix it, you may wait years. And your anger may turn to bitterness. If you are angry, even if someone else has sinned against you, it is your responsibility to do something about it. Not dealing with hurt or anger can kill a relationship

Desires

Desires are another element of personhood that each spouse needs to take responsibility for. Your disappointed desire is what hurts you. The problem lies in who is responsible for the want. It is your want, not his or hers. You are responsible for getting it fulfilled. That is a rule of life. We do not get everything we want, and we all must grieve over our disappointments instead of punish others for them”


Limits on What I Can Give

We are finite creatures and must give as we “decide in [our] heart to give” being aware of when we are giving past the love point to the resentment point. Problems arise when we blame someone else for our own lack of limits. Often spouses will do more than they really want to and then resent the other for not stopping them from over giving.

Other people are not extensions of his or her wants and desires. Other people have wants and needs of their own, and we must negotiate a fair and loving relationship and respect each other’s limits. The key here is that the other person is not responsible for our limits; we are. Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we cannot draw it, we can quickly become resentful

Money & Time

Money

A now-famous bumper sticker reads, “I can’t be overdrawn—I still have checks left!” People have tremendous problems in many different areas dealing with money, including the following:

• impulse spending
• careless budgeting
• living beyond one’s means
• credit problems
• chronically borrowing from friends
• ineffectual savings plans
• working more to pay all the bills
• enabling others

God intended for money to be a blessing to us and others: “Give, and it will be given to you” (Luke 6:38).

Most of us would certainly agree that we need to be in control of our finances. Saving money, keeping costs down, and shopping for discounts are all good things. It’s tempting to see money problems as simply a need for more income; however, the problem often isn’t the high cost of living—it’s the cost of high living.

The problem of our financial outgo exceeding our input is a self-boundary issue. When we have difficulty saying no to spending more than we should, we run the risk of becoming someone else’s servant:

“The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender” (Prov. 22:7).

Time

Many people feel that their time is out of control. They are “eleventh-hour people,” constantly on the edge of deadlines. Try as they might, they find the day—every day— getting away from them. There just aren’t enough hours to accomplish their tasks. The word early doesn’t seem to be part of their personal experience. Some of the time binds these strugglers deal with are these:

• business meetings
• luncheon appointments
• project deadlines
• social and school activities
• holiday mailings

These people breeze into meetings fifteen minutes late and breathlessly apologize, talking about traffic, overwhelming job responsibilities, or kid emergencies. People whose time is out of control inconvenience others whether they mean to or not. The problem often stems from one or more of the following causes:

1. Omnipotence. These people have unrealistic, somewhat grandiose expectations of what they can accomplish in a given amount of time. “No problem—I’ll do it” is their motto.

2. Over-responsibility for the feelings of others. They think that leaving a party too early will cause the host to feel abandoned.

3. Lack of realistic anxiety. They live so much in the present that they neglect to plan ahead for traffic, parking the car, or dressing for an outing.

4. Rationalization. They minimize the distress and inconvenience that others must put up with because of their lateness. They think, “They’re my friends—they’ll understand.”

The person with undeveloped time sell-boundaries ends up frustrating not only others, but himself. He ends the day without the sense that a “desire realized is sweet to the soul" instead, he is left with unrealized desires, half-baked projects, and the realization that tomorrow will begin with him running behind schedule.

Self Limits & Boundaries

One of the definitions of a myth is a fiction that looks like a truth. Sometimes it sounds so true that we believe it automatically. Some of these myths come from our family backgrounds. Some come from our theological foundations. And some come from our own misunderstandings. Whatever the source, we should mindfully inves­tigate anything that “sounds-like-truths.”

Many of us fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion, or disobedience. In religious and social circles you’ll often hear statements such as, “Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart.” Because of this myth, countless individuals remain trapped in endless activities of no genuine spiritual and emotional value.

The truth is life-changing where a lack of boundaries is often a sign of disobedience. People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside, but rebellious and resentful on the Inside. They would like to be able to say no, but are afraid. So they cover their fear with a half-hearted yes.

"It’s important to understand that your no is always subject to you. You own your boundaries. They don’t own you. If you set limits with someone, and he or she responds maturely and lovingly, you can renegotiate the boundary."

In addition, you can change the boundary if you are in a safer place. As we’ve probably noticed, some of these myths are genuine misconceptions we may have learned from distort­ed teachings. Yet others simply result from the fear of standing up and saving "NO" to irrational responsibility.

Perhaps we should mindfully review which myths have entangled and ensnared us. And ask God to give us a sense of confidence that he believes in good boundaries more than we do.